Monday, December 10, 2007

"Learn to love the people who are with you at present. Forget the people in the past and thank them for hurting you, which led you to love the people you have right now".
If he never came into my life, i would have never realised what i want and don't want, what i appreciate and what i dont appreciate. So i thank him, because if i didn't love him, i would have never had the courage to love you. And i love you very much so, even if i dont show it or let you know enough.

"When you love someone, you'll do crazy things you can't explain, you'll deny the truth and believe in lies. When you love someone, you sacrifice, give everything you've got and don't think twice. You risk it all no matter what. Everything in life is temporary because everything changes. That is why it takes courage to love, knowing it might end anytime...having faith will make it last."
This is so true. You really do just want to see everything through rose coloured glasses and make excuses for everything he does. You don't want to believe that they can dissapoint you. Because when they do, its the worse feeling in the world. that's why i am leaving. Because you are dissapointing me, and I want to remember you as Fabio, my beautiful, nice Fabio, not this other person I am beginning to see. Thats the beauty of love - you risk it all, knowing it could not be real, knowing reality can come crashing down, but with heaps of faith and belief, you will make it through. But i am a coward.
I’m aware the life isn’t meant to be clear for me right now but I still feel like I just want to know. Even when I talk to you, I just want to say SHUT UP CHARMAINE. Stop thinking and talking and wondering and questioning. My words jumble up and I get confused and then I can’t figure out what the fuck I am confused about! And I start struggling to think about it and pin point it. All I know is that right now it’s my time, it’s about me, I am in control of me and my destiny. I do not want to be responsible for someone else’s feelings because I will be lying to him and lying to myself if I do not follow my heart. I am a fool. I am an idiot. I am 18. I don’t want to fall in love. I want to know me. I want to explore me. I want to experience me. I want to figure out who I am before I start figuring out life’s most powerful phenomenon. I am not ready to give myself to something like that. And I know when I do, it will be so beautiful and great and just exactly as I want it to be. Which is perfect. It will be so perfect and so frightening but I will know with every bit of my heart, my soul, my mind that what I’m doing is perfect and right and what my destiny wants. And so I won’t be so afraid and unsure, I will go to the deep end with my whole heart and drown in it and not come out. I will never be the same again. But I guess you’re never the same when it comes to experiences. Right now, I just can’t be in a relationship because how can I be the best I can be if I want to experience significant events such as traveling and job opportunities that are completely irrelevant to the relationship? That has nothing to do with him? You’re meant to share. You’re meant to be doing everything with both you and his future in your mind. You have to balance. You have to care. And I cannot focus on that, I want to focus on me and know who I am. I will know when I am ready. Everything I want, I get. Right now, I need to move on to Noosa and see where life goes from thereon. Thank you God for my blessings, my life, my family, my friends and mostly for answering all my prayers and wanting the best for me.
I don’t know what is happening to me. I do not understand. I am not experienced enough. I cannot relate. I cannot compare. I cannot understand. I do not know if you are special. I do not know if you are different. I do not know because I have never been there. What am I going to do? Why can’t you tell me what I need to do? Why is this so hard? Do you feel like me? I get so confused. I am unsure. I do not understand. I do know I think of you. Is this because I am here in Vanuatu? If I was away, would I think of you like this? Would I wake up and have you in my head? When I go to bed, will you still be there in my heart? I know that I am awkward. I know that I am unsure. I know that I am inexperienced, reckless, immature, silly, and stupid and speak before thinking and then talk too much. I know that one day I will not be like that. I used to say with the others that I will forget them. I will look back and laugh at what I wrote. And I am unsure with you. Something says I must give you another chance in the future. That our journey has not ended. Then something in me tells me you are not the one. Then another thing tells me it’s just wrong timing now and in the future, you could build something beautiful. We could build something beautiful. I wish I was calm and not over-analytical. I can see me with you but I can also see me with someone else. I don’t want to say you’re not the one. I don’t want to say you are. I don’t know. I am not meant to know. This is why it’s so hard. I need to grow up and experience the world and what it has to offer – both with people, travel and experiences. When I know what’s out there, know my options and see what suits me, I will be fine. But right now, I am confused as I have so many opportunities and roads I could take. I am very aware of my feelings and what I’m thinking and who I am. I’m aware of my age.