Monday, December 10, 2007

I’m aware the life isn’t meant to be clear for me right now but I still feel like I just want to know. Even when I talk to you, I just want to say SHUT UP CHARMAINE. Stop thinking and talking and wondering and questioning. My words jumble up and I get confused and then I can’t figure out what the fuck I am confused about! And I start struggling to think about it and pin point it. All I know is that right now it’s my time, it’s about me, I am in control of me and my destiny. I do not want to be responsible for someone else’s feelings because I will be lying to him and lying to myself if I do not follow my heart. I am a fool. I am an idiot. I am 18. I don’t want to fall in love. I want to know me. I want to explore me. I want to experience me. I want to figure out who I am before I start figuring out life’s most powerful phenomenon. I am not ready to give myself to something like that. And I know when I do, it will be so beautiful and great and just exactly as I want it to be. Which is perfect. It will be so perfect and so frightening but I will know with every bit of my heart, my soul, my mind that what I’m doing is perfect and right and what my destiny wants. And so I won’t be so afraid and unsure, I will go to the deep end with my whole heart and drown in it and not come out. I will never be the same again. But I guess you’re never the same when it comes to experiences. Right now, I just can’t be in a relationship because how can I be the best I can be if I want to experience significant events such as traveling and job opportunities that are completely irrelevant to the relationship? That has nothing to do with him? You’re meant to share. You’re meant to be doing everything with both you and his future in your mind. You have to balance. You have to care. And I cannot focus on that, I want to focus on me and know who I am. I will know when I am ready. Everything I want, I get. Right now, I need to move on to Noosa and see where life goes from thereon. Thank you God for my blessings, my life, my family, my friends and mostly for answering all my prayers and wanting the best for me.

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