Monday, December 10, 2007

I don’t know what is happening to me. I do not understand. I am not experienced enough. I cannot relate. I cannot compare. I cannot understand. I do not know if you are special. I do not know if you are different. I do not know because I have never been there. What am I going to do? Why can’t you tell me what I need to do? Why is this so hard? Do you feel like me? I get so confused. I am unsure. I do not understand. I do know I think of you. Is this because I am here in Vanuatu? If I was away, would I think of you like this? Would I wake up and have you in my head? When I go to bed, will you still be there in my heart? I know that I am awkward. I know that I am unsure. I know that I am inexperienced, reckless, immature, silly, and stupid and speak before thinking and then talk too much. I know that one day I will not be like that. I used to say with the others that I will forget them. I will look back and laugh at what I wrote. And I am unsure with you. Something says I must give you another chance in the future. That our journey has not ended. Then something in me tells me you are not the one. Then another thing tells me it’s just wrong timing now and in the future, you could build something beautiful. We could build something beautiful. I wish I was calm and not over-analytical. I can see me with you but I can also see me with someone else. I don’t want to say you’re not the one. I don’t want to say you are. I don’t know. I am not meant to know. This is why it’s so hard. I need to grow up and experience the world and what it has to offer – both with people, travel and experiences. When I know what’s out there, know my options and see what suits me, I will be fine. But right now, I am confused as I have so many opportunities and roads I could take. I am very aware of my feelings and what I’m thinking and who I am. I’m aware of my age.

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